Friday, 29 April 2011

Back from the dead?

I've been spending the week watching back-to-back horror films and it got me thinking:

What gets to come back from the dead?
Nothing good that's for sure. It's what: a Zombie, Vampire, werewolf, mummy ... ? Nothing good. And if you see something freshly ressurected what do you do? Everyone knows the answer: you shoot it through the head, with a silver bullet, stake it through the heart, and set it on fire. Lets face it: Jesus dosn't stand a chance.


"No Dad please no, You know what they do to people back from the dead!"
"That's a bright side?"

So we're not going to get the final trump any time soon.

On the other hand the Antichrist is careful to get born the normal way. Clever. Is Satan smarter than God?

Anyway - I'm quite dissappointed about the lack of Zombie outbreaks in the Bible. This has got to be a major oversight on the part of the authors. People do come back from the dead all right, they just don't lurch around biting people (but see). At least, this did not get reported... hmmmm... I smell a cover-up! (Or is it the brains?)

Lazarus (John 11:41-44) lurched out of his tomb, and Jesus had the burial stuff taken off him, and everyone says how miraculous it all was. Then the story sort of dries up. ... perhaps a Roman soldier had to pilum him through the head to stop him. That wouldn't exactly support the Bibles main thesis at this point (God Good, Romans Bad) but it would certainly have made a big impression on the people watching.

But the situation is more Pet Sematary than Night of the Living Dead. Lazarus' body came back, but who (or what) was inside it? There's evedience for this: Jesus was known to be able to command demonic possession like a pro. Consider the followng testimony that didn't make it into the Bible:
There I was, innocently going about my lawful business as a pig hearder, when what happens? Jesus happens is what happens! What does he do? I'll tell you: he only goes and takes the demons out of this girl and all right by me too, nothing against curing demonic possession have I. But then he goes and, without so much as a by your leave, stuffs the demons into my pigs! I mean: the nerve! And my pigs go right barmy and all of them, every single one of them, run right off a cliff poof! Deprived me of my livelyhood he did.
(Mark 5:13 etc.) Cue lawsuit.
So here we have eye-witness testimony showing that Jesus could, and did, transfer demons from one host to another.

Of course we can only expect this sort of stuff considering Jesus' dad. If Jesus lived in modern New Zealand, CIFS would have taken custody.

"So Mr Yahweh, is it true that you sent you only Son into the World knowing all the while that he would be tortured to death? Are you aware that this is a criminal offence in NZ?"


Well, actually, God declines to talk for fear of self incrimination.

1 comment:

  1. This is a totally hilarious post. I got a good laugh out of this, thanks Simon. I agree, the lack of biblical zombie outbreaks is an oversight on the part of the authors - lol.